Same Ole Shiz (S.O.S.)

I have totally fallen off the blogging wagon…perhaps it’s because I’m tired of being a Debbie Downer.  Here is my scoop:  I am still painfully unemployed and I’m still battling with my son’s father.  So now you can see why I’m kept away…it’s bitching about the same ole shiz.  The bright light in all of this is that I have hit 5 months seeing someone.  I suppose I haven’t been writing a ton about this either because it’s a little harder to “kiss and tell” once you’ve made it past phase 1 of the relationship.  With all that in mind, I’ll catch up and try not to be a massive Debbie Downer. 

I’ve been applying to jobs like a mad woman, but the jobs just aren’t there.  I had a job offer – FINALLY; but, it turned out to be a low-ball offer that wasn’t even worth coming off unemployment for.  They tried the smoke and mirrors number on me, but when I asked them to but it in writing…well, that was another story of course.  Then on Monday, I had another interview…for a job that likely would be more of a long office hours position.  Mid-way through the interview (out of the blue, I might add) my interviewer asks me, “Do you have any kids?  How old are they?”  Ok…I’ve been around the block long enough to know that it’s pretty damn illegal to ask that in an interview.  So, yeah, I didn’t get that job…a big ole fat case of mom discrimination. 

I’m having the same battles with Jack’s dad.  I really don’t know when he’ll tire of it all.  I have two court appearances next week with him – one in custody court and one in child support court – both initiated by him of course.  I am going to my damnest to convey to the judges that he’s a menace to both me and the court system…this is getting ridiculous.

And, as far as the relationship goes…things are truckin’ along.  I have totally put the relationship on the slow track, for several reasons.  Being unemployed, I’m not financially in a position to be who I want and need to be.  I want to buy flowers for my woman a lot, I want to wine and dine her, and woo her to no end.  However, when you don’t feel great about yourself, it’s hard to show your best to others. Also, there is the fact that we both have young kids.  That mos def slows things down.  But, anywho…she is quite “normal” in this time of chaos for me, and that has been a welcome relief.

Time to go lay down on the couch again…

I was told by a person close to me, in regards to my son’s father (who by now you all know I loathe), ” I do have a hard time understanding why he is able to maintain so much control over you.”

I am having a hard time with this.  Along with 2 pending court appearances, and receiving berating emails almost daily at this point, my son returned from a visit with his dad last week and made the following statements to me:

• My daddy says he won’t let you babysit Emma (his daughter from another relationship) because you’re gay.  My daddy says you’re bad because you’re gay.
• Why does my daddy say that you stole me from him when I was a baby?
• Why does daddy say that you are stealing money from him?  He says you steal money from him every month.

I’m at a loss.  I try my damnest not to let his negativity control any aspect of my life, but it does…how could it not?!?  He continues to abuse me long after we’ve been together and is able to still have access to do this because I have to communicate with him per court orders.  Yes, I choose to ignore the comments made for the sole purpose of pissing me off, but it’s the zings that hurt my son when I can no longer take it.

I hate conflict.  I try really, really hard to avoid it.  But, with this comes criticism that I am letting him control me.  I try really hard not to piss him off (to a fault), because the abuse lessens when I do so.   I understand that he’ll still be a douche no matter how I treat him, so in theory, I should not let him bother me and not give two shits how he reacts to me.  But, again…I don’t know what to do because when I see and hear the shitty things he does, my blood does boil. 

Maybe it’s time to get back into therapy…

Crossing Paths

I am back from my unofficial hiatus.  Let’s see…the last month or so was filled with baby daddy drama (of course), delightful woo’ing with the new lady friend, visits with family, etc.  It was a hectic holiday, but I think I’ve almost recovered.

There are many stories to share, but I’ll start with this one… 

Jack’s dad canceled on his holiday visit with him, so Jack was unexpectedly with me on New Year’s Eve.  I adjusted my plans and Andy was a total trooper and made do with what we had.  We had a fabulous New Year’s Eve!  So…the next morning, we went out for a mid-morning brunch.  (I live in a large Southern California city, so the likelihood of running into peeps out and about, is somewhat slim.  But, of course…those odds don’t apply to me).  As I pull over to park, with Andy in the passenger seat…who is walking by but Cali (the butch I recently dated briefly).  Please note that about two weeks prior to this encounter, Cali sent me several texts trying to get in my pants again.  So Cali waves (with her date on her arm), and I wave back.  I did NOT, in any way, want to introduce Cali and Andy.  So what did I do…I totally panicked.  I just sat there in the car, while Andy is asking “Who was that?” as she could obviously see my frazzle.  So Cali kind of stalled on the street, while I kept on sitting there.  Eventually, she moved on, and then I got out of the car.  WTF is wrong with me?  Who does that?  Well, unfortunately my reaction was read by Andy as if I was hiding something…which I totally wasn’t, but I could mos def see why she would see that.  After explaining it all..it was all good, but I acted like a total ru-tard! 

Anywho…that was one of my lovely holiday adventures…more recaps to come.

Dear Santa…all I want for Christmas is a job

I had my 4th job interview scheduled with a company when I received this email:

I have some tough news, we lost our 2^nd largest client on Monday which puts us in a difficult short-term financial situation to make a hiring decision.  I met with my CFO today and decided to circle back to the possibility first thing in 2010.  For the time being it is best if we cancel our next meeting.  We really enjoyed getting to know you and feel like you’d be an excellent fit here for several reasons.  While I hope you can successfully find a position before we are ready to move forward I would like to keep in touch in case our financial situation changes.  Thanks for taking the time to meet with us.  All the Best.

FUCKKKKKKKKKKK!  I have now been unemployed for 2 1/2 months.  As a single parent, that blew her savings wad on a new car a month before being laid off…I’m kinda fucked. 

Thankfully, my sweet little boy (yes, I have successfully eliminated the aggressive behavior…until he comes back from his next visit with Daddy O in 2 weeks), asked Santa for a pillow this year.  Yes, a pillow.  He is creating a “pillow monster” and is short 1 pillow for his creation.  So, I dodged a Nintendo…or some other outrageously overpriced holiday toy.  Phew!  (Yes, Santa got him a little something else too).

So back to where I was…I’m really trying hard not to lose faith that there is a job out there for me soon, but it’s becoming increasingly difficult as the holiday is right around the corner.  This mama is going to have to suck it up and ask my family for some financial help again.  I am tremendously thankful I have them, but they aren’t “ballin'” either…so this isn’t exactly my proudest moment.

Father of the Year

I thought having Jack’s dad 600 miles away would be just shy of a little slice of heaven…in a lot of ways it has been.  However, for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.  

When he initially left town, Jack adjusted fabulously.  We didn’t have those twice monthly de-programming sessions anymore, after each visit with John.  So John came back to town for a week long visit a few weeks ago.  Since then, Jack has been defiant and aggressive – not all the time of course, but wow it’s been rough.  My little 4 ½ year old actually punched me!  

Needless to say, I am less than pleased with this behavior.  I talked with my little man to try and get to the bottom of what’s going on with him.  A little (ok, a lot) of patience, and I got to the root of the problem.  Daddy O has informed our son that the reason that he can no longer see his dad all the time is because Mommy won’t let him.  No wonder Jack is mad at me!  It’s like John is purposefully trying to fuck up our kid.  

I will never understand this douche that masquerades as a man.

Walk of Shame

I am really ending 2009 with some pretty significant embarrassing moments.  I thought that I met my quota with the infamous toot incident…alas, I was mistaken…again. 

Andy, the woman that I have been seeing, invited me to a birthday party for one of her friends.  We had a blast – dancing…drinking…pit stop at the porno shop – we had a really good night.  We left my car at her friends house (near the bar), so that we could crash on their couch and not have to drive home.  A great idea in theory… 

Here is where I now have to begin to rely on 3^rd party recollection.  Andy and I were crashed out on the couch, when I apparently I got up and told her I was going to the bathroom.  I walked down the hall into an open door.  I entered into the bedroom of her friend Lisa and her wife Michelle’s bedroom.  Lisa was awake watching TV.  Again, “apparently” I walked in and began mumbling to the bed post and wandering around.  Lisa immediately recognized that I was sleepwalking and decided to make the most of the situation.  She asked me some questions and then ended with “Do you want to get in bed with us?”  This is when I begin to have some memory of the situation.  I remember looking down and seeing “Andy” (who was actually Michelle, but they both have black hair and she was lying on her stomach).  So naturally, I told “Andy” to scoot over.  As I nudged her, she woke up and looked at me and yelled “What the fuck are you doing?!?!”  I immediately came to at this point and realized that I was attempting to get into bed with my girl’s friend and her wife.  I was totally confused by what happened; I basically ran out of the room and woke up the real the Andy and we bailed.  

The rest of the night and the next morning I was mortified by what I had done.  I mean, really…who does that?  Then Andy got a text from Lisa, explaining that she was totally fucking with me, because she knew that I wasn’t awake.  Thank god! 

I have a gut feeling that I will never live this one down. 

“Listen or thy tongue will keep thee deaf.” ~ Indian proverb

People tell me things; often it’s casual acquaintances revealing incredibly personal confessions to me.  I know I have faults, but I also know that listening is not one of them.  I like to understand people.  Perhaps this is why I’ve ended up with “crazy” so often.  I want to understand why people do the things they do, act the way they act…even when the behavior is irrational…ok, insane.  (Since I’ve established that I no longer do crazy, I’ve kept my recent listening to the sane community). 

So anywho, if someone you fancy mentions a desire to you, and it’s in your power to make it happen…why the hell wouldn’t you do it?  Actually, I do know the answer to this.  I’ve been “doing” for years, and never got anything in return.  Thank god that I didn’t get so jaded that I gave up. 

So I have been seeing someone, and I’ve really been listening to her…I mean really listening to her.  I paid a visit to her very public place of employment, to fulfil one of her fantasies.  Giveth and you shall receive…un-fucking-believable!

The Dirty 30’s

My first year out of the dorms in college, I lived with 4 other girls and 2 boys.  Seven 20-year olds living together…it was absolute chaos!  The combination of raging hormones and massive amount of alcohol made for situations that would horrify parents.  

All of us were “good girls” that were transitioning through different phases of our sexual liberation and promiscuity.  By virtue of close proximity (he lived with us) on many of those drunken nights, our friend and roommate Ron was the lucky recipient of our hormone explosions.  We didn’t realize it at the time, but Ron had actually slept with 3 of the 5 of us girls.  I know…it’s so incestual in retrospect.  The conversation we girls had after we all realized that we’d all slept with Ron was hilarious.  We were trying to put together a timeline to figure out who slept with him first and in what order.  Oh, the dirty whore days of college… 

Well, I’m not sure who I’m kidding by referencing my slutty behavior as if it’s something of my very distant past.  There have been occasions in my not so distant past when a few too many shots and the right company have led to…well, you know. 

So now I feel the need to get a little defensive here.  Really, I’m not THAT much of a slut.  I mean…I can’t be worse than my friends (but, does it count when you compare yourself to friends – when in some instances it’s friends that you’ve f’d?)  Well, anywho…whether it’s direct knowledge or friends telling me about their crazy romps – they’re still doing it – they just don’t share it for the world to read on a blog!

Code of Silence

Hi.  My name is Just A. Girl, and I am a farter. 

We’ve all been in relationships when the inevitable happens…when the toot code of silence is broken.  We suffer through those weeks, months, and for some (obviously, not me)…years where we clench our cheeks or discreetly excuse ourselves to the other room.  Then there is the “reversies” (the result of holding a fart in so long that it back-fires up in your stomach) often played off as a stomach growl…wink, wink.  I mean, really?  Who are we fooling? 

Because I’m a farter (always have been, and likely always will be) it is usually me that is the first to break the code of silence.  I am infamous for slooting (sleep-tooting) early on in a relationship.  It is always mortifying doing this, but really I’ve come to terms with the fact that it’s gonna happen – a girl like me can only hold it in for so long.  

Well, I learned the hard way that slooting is actually not mortifying…what’s mortifying is letting one slip out when your lady friend is downstairs.  Yes, you heard me right.  Apparently, when you let your body release with orgasm, something else might release as well.  I thought I was going to fucking die with embarrassment!  

So apparently I’m “that girl”…I will forever be the girl that farted in her face. 

Damn…I’m a catch! 

Let’s talk about sex…

Recently I’ve been thinking a lot about sex.  Ok…I always think a lot about sex, but I’ve been thinking about it philosophically lately. 

My first real exposure to the ramifications of sex was quite the shocker:  taking my 16-year old friend to get an abortion.  The whole experience was hugely traumatic.  My virgin brain went into panic mode, which set the stage for my lifetime commitment to not have an unplanned pregnancy.  (Little did I know that years later it would take me over a year to get pregnant when I was actively trying to.) 

Apparently the whole abortion thing didn’t scare me off sex too much, as it was just a few months later that I took the big plunge (with a condom) – hanging out the passenger side of a Ford Escort on an abandoned dirt road…classy, I know.  I hate to even acknowledge the fact that I had sex with Jack’s dad, but, yes…he was the owner of that Ford Escort.     

Fast forward through the next two years of high school:  Jack’s dad would cheat on me, I would forgive him, he would cheat on me again, yada, yada, yada…  I finally dumped the bastard when I went away to college.  

In college I never really had a boyfriend.  I messed around here and there, but never anything beyond casual sex.  In college is when I started to have conscious thoughts about being with a woman.  These thoughts went totally unmentioned to anyone, and were quickly dismissed in my head as crazy thoughts.  

Starting in January of 1999, I began to write a book…or rather a journal of sorts to commemorate the closing of the millennium.  The purpose of writing this wasn’t the end result, but rather the process; so once I completed the book at the end of the year, I read it once, and then shredded it.  The primary theme in the book was my attraction to women and how I was trying to deal with it, ignore it, make it go away, etc.  At this point I had never slept with a woman (I was totally just a bar-sexual – kissing straight girls while drunk).  I was sticking to the idea that I must be bisexual…because I surely wasn’t gay – despite the fact that my mind was consumed of thoughts of fucking a woman.  Oh lordy…denial is a powerful thing. 

So what did I do about a month later…reunite with my bastard ex-boyfriend from high school – 7 years after the last time I slept with him.  I know…right?!?!  WTF was I thinking?  Ok, I’m not sure how to word this to really convey how my sexual experiences with my ex-husband were.  Let me try here – think of the most selfish lover you’ve ever had, then multiple that by 10…that was him.  So then what did I decide to do?  Marry the guy, because that makes sense!  

I struggled with my sexuality throughout the whole term of my relationship with him.  He encouraged me to “mess-around” with our women friends, and I obliged him…duh.  But, I remember one instance that I was with one of our old high school friends.  We had had a lot to drink, and she started coming on to me, with my ex-husband and her husband’s encouragement.  Shortly there after, we were half naked and about to freakin’ explode!  The only problem with this scenario is that we were two “straight” girls, pretending that we just like to make out with women, not fuck them.  I couldn’t take it anymore…I was about to blow my cover!  

Now, as a gay woman (totally not bi despite my early confusion) I am incredibly in touch with my sexuality.  After years of denial, I know exactly what I want and I have difficulty with patience and not prematurely going after it.  I’ve realized that I have the hormones of a 16 year old boy, that so happens to be trapped in a 34 year old woman’s body.  

As I’m out on the dating scene these days, it has mos def been a struggle for me suppressing my inner whore – but, I really am doing much better.  So that fabulous woman that I recently started dating…yeah, I haven’t slept with her yet – yay me!