Archive for July, 2009

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times…

Posted in Lesbian Dating on July 31, 2009 by Just A Girl

I have officially put myself back in the game…I paid my subscription dues for match.com.  I fully admit it…my “crazy-dar” is broken.  It’s not just broken…I’m not sure that it ever worked.  My friends put me on an indefinite restriction from the dating world.  I secretly lifted the furlough.

I promise, promise, promise I will do things differently this time…I will acknowledge those massive red flags whipping me in the face. And, I won’t allow a Uhaul within my vicinity!  Unless of course it’s Anne Hathaway in my driveway…or Jennifer Beals…or Penelope Cruz…

Wish me luck!

anne

jennifer

penelope

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The “God” Complex

Posted in Ex-Husband on July 31, 2009 by Just A Girl

The following are symptoms of someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).  These are actual quotes from my ex-husband…I swear!  I know it is hard to believe, but I took no comedic liberties to embellish these quotes:

•    Has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements)
“I am THE John Roberts.  You really think you can fuck with me and win?”

•    Lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others
“I already have a son that I see all the time, I don’t need to see the other one that much.”

npd

•    Believes that he or she is “special” and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions)
“Me and your brother are the smartest people I know.”

•    Has a sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations
“Amy does whatever I tell her to do.” (In reference to his current wife.)

•    Is interpersonally exploitative, i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends
“You can keep your car, only if you don’t get a lawyer.  If you get a lawyer, I will take away everything you have – including your child.”

•    Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her
“You only wish you were as happy as I am.”

•    Shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes
I had to include this one here…it’s my all time favorite!  “If you had a better attitude, maybe your baby daddy would buy you some things.”

“If you had a better attitude, maybe your baby daddy would buy you some things.”

Posted in Ex-Husband, Family Court on July 28, 2009 by Just A Girl

“If you had a better attitude, maybe your baby daddy would buy you some things.”  Those words actually came out of my ex-husband’s mouth the last time I was at court…yeah, we’re regulars there.

I spent 4 ½ hours at the courthouse this afternoon.  I left in tears.  I hate that…I am a strong woman…how is it that I can be reduced to tears so easily?  I look across the court room and literally become sick at the thought that I ever fucked this man.  And, then the guilt kicks in…how could I have done this to my son.  He deserves so much more.

Note to all women out there that reproduced with a narcissistic self-employed alcoholic:  GET THERAPY…IT’S FUCKING HARD.

So after waiting 2 hours for s4b to show up…yes, he was 2 fucking hours late.  (Sorry for all the “fucks” but it’s been one of those days.)  So they finally call us to the mediation desk!   He was a total douche to the mediator – she was in a total state of shock and awe…per the usual.  So then the mediator sits with me…she purposefully takes me far away from him so that he can’t overhear.  She says to me, “We (Department of Child Support Services: DCSS) highly recommends denying his request for modification.”  He took me to court to ask that he shouldn’t have to pay child support because he doesn’t have a job – yeah, homeboy drives up to court in his brand new Cadillac CTS, lives in a gi-normous house, and vacations on his sailboat – yet, he’s been “unemployed” for what…4 years now…when did I fill for divorce…yes, 4 years ago.

So anywho…we go down to wait in the courtroom to go in front of the judge.  And, we wait…and wait…and wait.

DCSS counsel (whom neither of us have ever met):   We recommend denying the petitioners request to modify child support.  He was ordered to complete 10 job contacts per week at the June hearing.

Judge:  Do you have your job contacts?

S4b:  I forgot them.

Me:  Your honor, he is employed and has been self-employed for the past 9 years.  If you call his cell phone right now, you will get his business voicemail…he’s employed.

Judge:  But, he’s receiving unemployment.

Me:  Yes, he’s been collecting unemployment fraudulently on an off, relative to our impending court appearances, since our separation.  He owns his own business that I started with him…and he pays himself under the table to avoid any wage that child support would be attached to.

Judge:  I will continue this hearing until September at which time you will bring proof of this fraudulent activity.

But, the thing is…I’m soooooo sick and tired of this shit.  I have zero motivation left.  It’s not like he pays any child support now, so what do I have to lose.  So if I just say fuck it, then what am I out…not getting child support that I already don’t get?  But, then I hear Beyonce, “I’m a survivor, I’m not gonna give up.”  My therapist tells me that there is a 72 hour shit haze that stays with me after interactions with him.  So I will do my best not to cry in front of my son (which I unsuccessfully tried to conceal behind my sunglasses today), and not to go ballistic on that bastard mother fucker.

I will wait my 72 hours…and then I will put my game face back on.

You Won’t Like Me When I’m Angry!

Posted in Ex-Girlfriends on July 22, 2009 by Just A Girl

Text exchange with ex-girlfriend (Kristy) yesterday:

ex-GF:  sex?
me:        i’m satisfied, but thanks for checkin in on me
ex-GF:   lol—see u r getting it from somewhere else?!?!?  good for u.

Text exchange with ex-girlfriend (Kristy) today:

ex-GF:  do you have plans tonight?
me:        i do have plans tonight

Ok…ballsy, but relatively harmless, right?  I am all for break-up sex…it was great – once.  Sidebar – how is that you are with someone for almost 2 years and they never want to have sex, but the second you break up with them they suddenly have this insatiable sex drive?  The last temptation of Kristy – she knows my weakness…damn her!

So, me and my unconditional insatiable sex drive have stood strong…only falling off the wagon that one time (not living in crazytown outweighs great sex – disclaimer:  except on those incredibly desperate days).  But, here we are 4 months after we split and I’m still having to turn her come-on’s down about once a week.  I’ve tried being sensitive with my let-downs…I’ve tried being funny…I’ve tried it all to no avail.  Now this is why women get the “crazy-bitch” wrap! I’m about to get Incredible Hulk on her ass!hulk

Pre-Freak Flag Waving

Posted in Coming Out, Puberty on July 22, 2009 by Just A Girl

Looking back, I was a cute teenager.  Maybe I wasn’t “hot”, but I was cute.  But, that teenage girl hadn’t a fucking clue that she was even on the map in that department.  Sure I went through the awkward braces and big feet phase, but a quick flip through an old yearbook tells me that I didn’t get hit with the puberty stick nearly as hard as some of my peers.  Puberty decided to rear it’s evil head on me in other ways.  Oh…the blessed period.

It was Christmas day, 1985 that Aunt Flo, The Rag, The Lady-Blues…whatever you want to call it, came into my life.  Ok, first you have to understand, that I was only 10 years old and in the 5th grade, and I hadn’t yet watched “the movie” that all 5th graders watch.  The boys in one room, the girls in the other – learning about our “private parts” and all of their glorious functions.

My grandma explained it to me like this, “We all get our periods, and we all hate it.  Just be glad you live in a time where you aren’t literally ‘on the rag’.  Back in my day, we had to bleed right into a rag, clean the rag, then use it again.”  The thought of thistampon just horrified me.  It then became quite obvious to me that we live in a man’s world.  So we had cars and airplanes, but didn’t have tampons and pads yet? My grandma has this knack for telling it like it is.

I couldn’t believe it.  I was in my grand parents bathroom, with my entire family in attendance, when I dropped my drawers to find my period.  Sure I had heard of periods, but I had no clue that this was something that was in my near future.   I guess I just assumed this was something that “big girls” get, and from my experiences on the school bus on the way to school, I knew I wasn’t yet a “big girl”.

I still remember her name, Tanya Solk.  I was the first pick up on the school bus route.  So, I had the pick of the seats.  And, Tanya knew this.  She told me, through her retainer lisp, in her “big girl” voice, “You will ssssave me a sssseat here, everyday.”  I knew she meant business.  She was blond and all the boys liked her, so I did what she told me.  Everyday, Tanya had her spot waiting for her.

So what was I to do with this Period situation?  I surely didn’t want my mom to know that I had now become a “big girl”.  I was too afraid to ask her to use a razor to shave the little sprouts of pit hair that had just revealed themselves several months prior, so I surely wasn’t going to tell her that I got my period.  So I stuffed my undies full of toilet paper, and put on my smiling face and went back out to join my family in their celebration of the festive holiday.

I would later realize this reoccurring theme in my life — stuff it all away so that nobody else can see that I’m really a “freak.”

Eventually, as all of us painfully timid girls do…we finally come clean and fess up to the arrival of our period.  Toilet paper as a substitute only lasts so long.

The Beginning: “Coming Out” via Email…gotta love technology

Posted in Coming Out, Ex-Husband, Parenting, Puberty, Single Parent, Technology on July 22, 2009 by Just A Girl

Dear (insert name here):

I’ve been going round and round about something in my head for quite some time now, not sure how to tell you about what’s been going on with me but here goes…

My psycho-analysis of myself tells me this:  I wanted so much to have the “happy little American dream family.” So, I think I thought that being with John was the only route that I could take to achieve this.  I married him because when I was with him, I didn’t have to make any decisions for myself and had no control.  I went numb and just went through the motions in order to achieve what I thought was my dream.  But, after I had Jack, something clicked in my brain.  I decided that it was time for me to stand up for myself and be my true self.  For the first time in my life, I feel truly free and comfortable with myself and who I am.

With this in mind, there is something that I have to tell you.  And, please don’t think that this has anything to do with my relationship with John…I’ve known this for as long as I can remember and long before John and I were together – I just chose to deny it. Let me take a deep breath now….(insert name here), I’m gay.

I didn’t want to “out” myself to you over email or the phone, but I wanted to get it all out and I knew that I would choke up on the phone.  And, I worried that you might hear this from someone else before I will see in person to tell you, since John knows this information.

I’m not asking you to understand this…I’ve had trouble understanding it all myself.  But, what I am asking from you is that you support and love me, in spite of this.  I am the same person that I’ve always been, just a little happier and more comfortable with myself now.  Believe me…I wanted nothing more than to not be gay, but after 32 years – I can’t deny it any longer.

I’m sure you have some anger, confusion, questions, and a whole lot of other things going on in your head.  Please call me when you are ready to talk to me.

I love you,

me  (aka…chicken shit)

Chicken Shit