Archive for the Coming Out Category

Let’s talk about sex…

Posted in Coming Out, Ex-Husband, Lesbian Dating, Sex on October 29, 2009 by Just A Girl

Recently I’ve been thinking a lot about sex.  Ok…I always think a lot about sex, but I’ve been thinking about it philosophically lately. 

My first real exposure to the ramifications of sex was quite the shocker:  taking my 16-year old friend to get an abortion.  The whole experience was hugely traumatic.  My virgin brain went into panic mode, which set the stage for my lifetime commitment to not have an unplanned pregnancy.  (Little did I know that years later it would take me over a year to get pregnant when I was actively trying to.) 

Apparently the whole abortion thing didn’t scare me off sex too much, as it was just a few months later that I took the big plunge (with a condom) – hanging out the passenger side of a Ford Escort on an abandoned dirt road…classy, I know.  I hate to even acknowledge the fact that I had sex with Jack’s dad, but, yes…he was the owner of that Ford Escort.     

Fast forward through the next two years of high school:  Jack’s dad would cheat on me, I would forgive him, he would cheat on me again, yada, yada, yada…  I finally dumped the bastard when I went away to college.  

In college I never really had a boyfriend.  I messed around here and there, but never anything beyond casual sex.  In college is when I started to have conscious thoughts about being with a woman.  These thoughts went totally unmentioned to anyone, and were quickly dismissed in my head as crazy thoughts.  

Starting in January of 1999, I began to write a book…or rather a journal of sorts to commemorate the closing of the millennium.  The purpose of writing this wasn’t the end result, but rather the process; so once I completed the book at the end of the year, I read it once, and then shredded it.  The primary theme in the book was my attraction to women and how I was trying to deal with it, ignore it, make it go away, etc.  At this point I had never slept with a woman (I was totally just a bar-sexual – kissing straight girls while drunk).  I was sticking to the idea that I must be bisexual…because I surely wasn’t gay – despite the fact that my mind was consumed of thoughts of fucking a woman.  Oh lordy…denial is a powerful thing. 

So what did I do about a month later…reunite with my bastard ex-boyfriend from high school – 7 years after the last time I slept with him.  I know…right?!?!  WTF was I thinking?  Ok, I’m not sure how to word this to really convey how my sexual experiences with my ex-husband were.  Let me try here – think of the most selfish lover you’ve ever had, then multiple that by 10…that was him.  So then what did I decide to do?  Marry the guy, because that makes sense!  

I struggled with my sexuality throughout the whole term of my relationship with him.  He encouraged me to “mess-around” with our women friends, and I obliged him…duh.  But, I remember one instance that I was with one of our old high school friends.  We had had a lot to drink, and she started coming on to me, with my ex-husband and her husband’s encouragement.  Shortly there after, we were half naked and about to freakin’ explode!  The only problem with this scenario is that we were two “straight” girls, pretending that we just like to make out with women, not fuck them.  I couldn’t take it anymore…I was about to blow my cover!  

Now, as a gay woman (totally not bi despite my early confusion) I am incredibly in touch with my sexuality.  After years of denial, I know exactly what I want and I have difficulty with patience and not prematurely going after it.  I’ve realized that I have the hormones of a 16 year old boy, that so happens to be trapped in a 34 year old woman’s body.  

As I’m out on the dating scene these days, it has mos def been a struggle for me suppressing my inner whore – but, I really am doing much better.  So that fabulous woman that I recently started dating…yeah, I haven’t slept with her yet – yay me!

We live in a Prop 8 state, so yes…I’m afraid

Posted in Coming Out, Ex-Husband, Family Court, Mediation, Parenting, Prop 8, Single Parent on September 30, 2009 by Just A Girl

There was a reason that I waited to come out until after my divorce and custody were finalized.  I was willing to out myself and potentially lose a job opportunity, or a friend…but, not my son.  So I came screaming out of the closet when I was officially free of that bastard.  Never in a million years would I have expected to have to return to court several times each year since – now as an out lesbian.  

I was afraid for good reason.  My ex-husband has exploited my so-called “deviant” behavior in court at every chance he gets.  Prior to the judge knowing my sexuality, my ex was ordered to go to anger management classes.  After I was outted in court, the judge sympathized with my ex-husband calling him a “man’s man” and that she “understands his anger.”  The judge never berated me directly for being a lesbian, but it was quite apparent when the sudden shift occurred. 

So this Thursday I am returning to custody mediation…again.  I will sit in a room with a court representative that will decide the fate of my son.  I never underestimate the power of a homophobe – we live in a state that passed Prop 8.  So I will call all the powers that be, to help me get a mediator that sees me for the devoted mother that I am, not my sexuality.

Leaving the Stones unturned

Posted in Butch, Coming Out, Ex-Girlfriends, Femme, Lesbian Dating, Sex on August 31, 2009 by Just A Girl

“What’s your type?”

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been asked this by women since I’ve been an out lesbian.  As a “straight” woman, I don’t recall anyone ever asking me if I was into men that are more sporty, or slightly more feminine, or about there sexual tendencies?  I mean really…for a group that balks at being stereotyped, we sure do have our fair share of internal pigeonholing going on.

Begrudgingly, I did a categorical analysis of myself and what I think I’m attracted to.  Of course there are a bazillion different labels, but I decided to start with the top 6 that I came across:
butchfemme
1.  Butch: A woman who adopts what would be considered masculine characteristics.

2.  Stone Butch: A stone butch is a Butch who gets her pleasure from pleasing her partner. She does not like to be touched sexually.

3.  Soft Butch/Chapstick Lesbian: A soft butch is a lesbian whose appearance is generally androgynous. She may dress and act in a masculine manner, but be soft and more feminine in the inside. Also, a soft butch can be someone who falls somewhere between butch and femme, but closer to the butch side.

4.  Sport Dyke: A sport dyke is a lesbian, who more than anything, identifies with being an athlete. She may also dress in a manner that would give the impression she is an athlete, like baseball caps, sweatshirts and jeans.

5.  Blue Jean Femme: A Blue Jean Femme is a lesbian who identifies as femme, or feminine, but prefers jeans and more casual clothing to dresses and skirts.

6.  Lipstick Lesbian/Femme: A lipstick lesbian is a woman who loves other women, but also loves her clothes and makeup and shoes. She tends to dress on the femmy side.

I think my physicality falls somewhere between a Blue Jean Femme and a Lipstick Lesbian – as much as I gag at the thought of referring to myself as a L.L.  Personality wise, I’m thinking I am more of a Soft Butch.

Who I’m attracted to – that’s a whole other question mark.  Kristy was a Sport Dyke (with a butch personality); Laura was Blue Jean femme (with a Lipstick personality).  And, then of course there is my loves Anne, Penelope, and Jennifer (in PretendVille) who are all flaming Femmes physically.

The more I think about, I don’t know that I can commit to an attraction label.  I think that I might lean toward Blue Jean Femme-ish.  But, there are tons of Soft Butches and Lipsticks that have totally sent me over the edge.

Ok…I’ll commit to this:  I’m generally not attracted to super Butchy girls (and mos def not to a Stone Butch).

Mi Familia

Posted in Coming Out, Ex-Husband, Family Court on August 6, 2009 by Just A Girl

lm

lesbian mafia:  known as a subculture of radical, sometimes judgmental, righteous, and somehow powerfully persuasive, lesbians who all seem to know each other

I have officially been out of the closet just shy of 3 years.  Within these 3 years I have gained the friendship and acquaintance of lesbian police officers, lesbian attorney, lesbian business owners, and a former lesbian nun.  Hell hath no fury like a lesbian with friends in high places.

So as I set out in preparation for my next Family Support Court appearance, I turned to none other than mi familia, aka the lesbian mafia.

I will digress here for a moment…

I grew up in a small town in Northern California…primarily white…primarily redneck…extremely homophobic.  I was in total denial growing up…all thoughts of women were immediately dismissed (and trust me…they were there).  I WAS NOT GAY!

When gay marriage was legalized in California I looked online to see how the local media in my hometown was covering the issue.  To my surprise, the lead story on the New York Times, LA Times, and the San Francisco Chronicle was no where to be seen in the local media!  So it’s no freakin’ wonder I couldn’t even consider being gay when I was a kid…even the so called news was unwilling to utter “gay.”

So when I came out of the closet I immediately felt like I was part of a minority group – a new and unfamiliar feeling.  I have always been interested in the Civil Rights movement and studied a ton of this history in college.  What I have always been struck by is the sense of unity and strength that people in oppressed groups gain from one another.

So I have gone to my “peeps” for strength in my court battle with my ex-husband…and they have welcomed me with open arms.  To quote my new lesbian attorney ally, “people like him disgust me…I will do everything I can to help you expose him for what he is.”

Pre-Freak Flag Waving

Posted in Coming Out, Puberty on July 22, 2009 by Just A Girl

Looking back, I was a cute teenager.  Maybe I wasn’t “hot”, but I was cute.  But, that teenage girl hadn’t a fucking clue that she was even on the map in that department.  Sure I went through the awkward braces and big feet phase, but a quick flip through an old yearbook tells me that I didn’t get hit with the puberty stick nearly as hard as some of my peers.  Puberty decided to rear it’s evil head on me in other ways.  Oh…the blessed period.

It was Christmas day, 1985 that Aunt Flo, The Rag, The Lady-Blues…whatever you want to call it, came into my life.  Ok, first you have to understand, that I was only 10 years old and in the 5th grade, and I hadn’t yet watched “the movie” that all 5th graders watch.  The boys in one room, the girls in the other – learning about our “private parts” and all of their glorious functions.

My grandma explained it to me like this, “We all get our periods, and we all hate it.  Just be glad you live in a time where you aren’t literally ‘on the rag’.  Back in my day, we had to bleed right into a rag, clean the rag, then use it again.”  The thought of thistampon just horrified me.  It then became quite obvious to me that we live in a man’s world.  So we had cars and airplanes, but didn’t have tampons and pads yet? My grandma has this knack for telling it like it is.

I couldn’t believe it.  I was in my grand parents bathroom, with my entire family in attendance, when I dropped my drawers to find my period.  Sure I had heard of periods, but I had no clue that this was something that was in my near future.   I guess I just assumed this was something that “big girls” get, and from my experiences on the school bus on the way to school, I knew I wasn’t yet a “big girl”.

I still remember her name, Tanya Solk.  I was the first pick up on the school bus route.  So, I had the pick of the seats.  And, Tanya knew this.  She told me, through her retainer lisp, in her “big girl” voice, “You will ssssave me a sssseat here, everyday.”  I knew she meant business.  She was blond and all the boys liked her, so I did what she told me.  Everyday, Tanya had her spot waiting for her.

So what was I to do with this Period situation?  I surely didn’t want my mom to know that I had now become a “big girl”.  I was too afraid to ask her to use a razor to shave the little sprouts of pit hair that had just revealed themselves several months prior, so I surely wasn’t going to tell her that I got my period.  So I stuffed my undies full of toilet paper, and put on my smiling face and went back out to join my family in their celebration of the festive holiday.

I would later realize this reoccurring theme in my life — stuff it all away so that nobody else can see that I’m really a “freak.”

Eventually, as all of us painfully timid girls do…we finally come clean and fess up to the arrival of our period.  Toilet paper as a substitute only lasts so long.

The Beginning: “Coming Out” via Email…gotta love technology

Posted in Coming Out, Ex-Husband, Parenting, Puberty, Single Parent, Technology on July 22, 2009 by Just A Girl

Dear (insert name here):

I’ve been going round and round about something in my head for quite some time now, not sure how to tell you about what’s been going on with me but here goes…

My psycho-analysis of myself tells me this:  I wanted so much to have the “happy little American dream family.” So, I think I thought that being with John was the only route that I could take to achieve this.  I married him because when I was with him, I didn’t have to make any decisions for myself and had no control.  I went numb and just went through the motions in order to achieve what I thought was my dream.  But, after I had Jack, something clicked in my brain.  I decided that it was time for me to stand up for myself and be my true self.  For the first time in my life, I feel truly free and comfortable with myself and who I am.

With this in mind, there is something that I have to tell you.  And, please don’t think that this has anything to do with my relationship with John…I’ve known this for as long as I can remember and long before John and I were together – I just chose to deny it. Let me take a deep breath now….(insert name here), I’m gay.

I didn’t want to “out” myself to you over email or the phone, but I wanted to get it all out and I knew that I would choke up on the phone.  And, I worried that you might hear this from someone else before I will see in person to tell you, since John knows this information.

I’m not asking you to understand this…I’ve had trouble understanding it all myself.  But, what I am asking from you is that you support and love me, in spite of this.  I am the same person that I’ve always been, just a little happier and more comfortable with myself now.  Believe me…I wanted nothing more than to not be gay, but after 32 years – I can’t deny it any longer.

I’m sure you have some anger, confusion, questions, and a whole lot of other things going on in your head.  Please call me when you are ready to talk to me.

I love you,

me  (aka…chicken shit)

Chicken Shit