Archive for the Ex-Husband Category

Same Ole Shiz (S.O.S.)

Posted in Ex-Husband, Family Court, Job, Lesbian Dating, Parenting, Single Parent on March 24, 2010 by Just A Girl

I have totally fallen off the blogging wagon…perhaps it’s because I’m tired of being a Debbie Downer.  Here is my scoop:  I am still painfully unemployed and I’m still battling with my son’s father.  So now you can see why I’m kept away…it’s bitching about the same ole shiz.  The bright light in all of this is that I have hit 5 months seeing someone.  I suppose I haven’t been writing a ton about this either because it’s a little harder to “kiss and tell” once you’ve made it past phase 1 of the relationship.  With all that in mind, I’ll catch up and try not to be a massive Debbie Downer. 

I’ve been applying to jobs like a mad woman, but the jobs just aren’t there.  I had a job offer – FINALLY; but, it turned out to be a low-ball offer that wasn’t even worth coming off unemployment for.  They tried the smoke and mirrors number on me, but when I asked them to but it in writing…well, that was another story of course.  Then on Monday, I had another interview…for a job that likely would be more of a long office hours position.  Mid-way through the interview (out of the blue, I might add) my interviewer asks me, “Do you have any kids?  How old are they?”  Ok…I’ve been around the block long enough to know that it’s pretty damn illegal to ask that in an interview.  So, yeah, I didn’t get that job…a big ole fat case of mom discrimination. 

I’m having the same battles with Jack’s dad.  I really don’t know when he’ll tire of it all.  I have two court appearances next week with him – one in custody court and one in child support court – both initiated by him of course.  I am going to my damnest to convey to the judges that he’s a menace to both me and the court system…this is getting ridiculous.

And, as far as the relationship goes…things are truckin’ along.  I have totally put the relationship on the slow track, for several reasons.  Being unemployed, I’m not financially in a position to be who I want and need to be.  I want to buy flowers for my woman a lot, I want to wine and dine her, and woo her to no end.  However, when you don’t feel great about yourself, it’s hard to show your best to others. Also, there is the fact that we both have young kids.  That mos def slows things down.  But, anywho…she is quite “normal” in this time of chaos for me, and that has been a welcome relief.

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Time to go lay down on the couch again…

Posted in Ex-Husband, Family Court, Parenting, Single Parent on February 10, 2010 by Just A Girl

I was told by a person close to me, in regards to my son’s father (who by now you all know I loathe), ” I do have a hard time understanding why he is able to maintain so much control over you.”

I am having a hard time with this.  Along with 2 pending court appearances, and receiving berating emails almost daily at this point, my son returned from a visit with his dad last week and made the following statements to me:

  • My daddy says he won’t let you babysit Emma (his daughter from another relationship) because you’re gay.  My daddy says you’re bad because you’re gay.
  • Why does my daddy say that you stole me from him when I was a baby?
  • Why does daddy say that you are stealing money from him?  He says you steal money from him every month.

I’m at a loss.  I try my damnest not to let his negativity control any aspect of my life, but it does…how could it not?!?  He continues to abuse me long after we’ve been together and is able to still have access to do this because I have to communicate with him per court orders.  Yes, I choose to ignore the comments made for the sole purpose of pissing me off, but it’s the zings that hurt my son when I can no longer take it.

I hate conflict.  I try really, really hard to avoid it.  But, with this comes criticism that I am letting him control me.  I try really hard not to piss him off (to a fault), because the abuse lessens when I do so.   I understand that he’ll still be a douche no matter how I treat him, so in theory, I should not let him bother me and not give two shits how he reacts to me.  But, again…I don’t know what to do because when I see and hear the shitty things he does, my blood does boil. 

Maybe it’s time to get back into therapy…

Dear Santa…all I want for Christmas is a job

Posted in Ex-Husband, Job, Parenting, Single Parent on December 11, 2009 by Just A Girl

I had my 4th job interview scheduled with a company when I received this email:

I have some tough news, we lost our 2nd largest client on Monday which puts us in a difficult short-term financial situation to make a hiring decision.  I met with my CFO today and decided to circle back to the possibility first thing in 2010.  For the time being it is best if we cancel our next meeting.  We really enjoyed getting to know you and feel like you’d be an excellent fit here for several reasons.  While I hope you can successfully find a position before we are ready to move forward I would like to keep in touch in case our financial situation changes.  Thanks for taking the time to meet with us.  All the Best.

FUCKKKKKKKKKKK!  I have now been unemployed for 2 1/2 months.  As a single parent, that blew her savings wad on a new car a month before being laid off…I’m kinda fucked. 

Thankfully, my sweet little boy (yes, I have successfully eliminated the aggressive behavior…until he comes back from his next visit with Daddy O in 2 weeks), asked Santa for a pillow this year.  Yes, a pillow.  He is creating a “pillow monster” and is short 1 pillow for his creation.  So, I dodged a Nintendo…or some other outrageously overpriced holiday toy.  Phew!  (Yes, Santa got him a little something else too).

So back to where I was…I’m really trying hard not to lose faith that there is a job out there for me soon, but it’s becoming increasingly difficult as the holiday is right around the corner.  This mama is going to have to suck it up and ask my family for some financial help again.  I am tremendously thankful I have them, but they aren’t “ballin'” either…so this isn’t exactly my proudest moment.

Father of the Year

Posted in Ex-Husband, Parenting, Single Parent on December 8, 2009 by Just A Girl

I thought having Jack’s dad 600 miles away would be just shy of a little slice of heaven…in a lot of ways it has been.  However, for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.  

When he initially left town, Jack adjusted fabulously.  We didn’t have those twice monthly de-programming sessions anymore, after each visit with John.  So John came back to town for a week long visit a few weeks ago.  Since then, Jack has been defiant and aggressive – not all the time of course, but wow it’s been rough.  My little 4 ½ year old actually punched me!  

Needless to say, I am less than pleased with this behavior.  I talked with my little man to try and get to the bottom of what’s going on with him.  A little (ok, a lot) of patience, and I got to the root of the problem.  Daddy O has informed our son that the reason that he can no longer see his dad all the time is because Mommy won’t let him.  No wonder Jack is mad at me!  It’s like John is purposefully trying to fuck up our kid.  

I will never understand this douche that masquerades as a man.

Let’s talk about sex…

Posted in Coming Out, Ex-Husband, Lesbian Dating, Sex on October 29, 2009 by Just A Girl

Recently I’ve been thinking a lot about sex.  Ok…I always think a lot about sex, but I’ve been thinking about it philosophically lately. 

My first real exposure to the ramifications of sex was quite the shocker:  taking my 16-year old friend to get an abortion.  The whole experience was hugely traumatic.  My virgin brain went into panic mode, which set the stage for my lifetime commitment to not have an unplanned pregnancy.  (Little did I know that years later it would take me over a year to get pregnant when I was actively trying to.) 

Apparently the whole abortion thing didn’t scare me off sex too much, as it was just a few months later that I took the big plunge (with a condom) – hanging out the passenger side of a Ford Escort on an abandoned dirt road…classy, I know.  I hate to even acknowledge the fact that I had sex with Jack’s dad, but, yes…he was the owner of that Ford Escort.     

Fast forward through the next two years of high school:  Jack’s dad would cheat on me, I would forgive him, he would cheat on me again, yada, yada, yada…  I finally dumped the bastard when I went away to college.  

In college I never really had a boyfriend.  I messed around here and there, but never anything beyond casual sex.  In college is when I started to have conscious thoughts about being with a woman.  These thoughts went totally unmentioned to anyone, and were quickly dismissed in my head as crazy thoughts.  

Starting in January of 1999, I began to write a book…or rather a journal of sorts to commemorate the closing of the millennium.  The purpose of writing this wasn’t the end result, but rather the process; so once I completed the book at the end of the year, I read it once, and then shredded it.  The primary theme in the book was my attraction to women and how I was trying to deal with it, ignore it, make it go away, etc.  At this point I had never slept with a woman (I was totally just a bar-sexual – kissing straight girls while drunk).  I was sticking to the idea that I must be bisexual…because I surely wasn’t gay – despite the fact that my mind was consumed of thoughts of fucking a woman.  Oh lordy…denial is a powerful thing. 

So what did I do about a month later…reunite with my bastard ex-boyfriend from high school – 7 years after the last time I slept with him.  I know…right?!?!  WTF was I thinking?  Ok, I’m not sure how to word this to really convey how my sexual experiences with my ex-husband were.  Let me try here – think of the most selfish lover you’ve ever had, then multiple that by 10…that was him.  So then what did I decide to do?  Marry the guy, because that makes sense!  

I struggled with my sexuality throughout the whole term of my relationship with him.  He encouraged me to “mess-around” with our women friends, and I obliged him…duh.  But, I remember one instance that I was with one of our old high school friends.  We had had a lot to drink, and she started coming on to me, with my ex-husband and her husband’s encouragement.  Shortly there after, we were half naked and about to freakin’ explode!  The only problem with this scenario is that we were two “straight” girls, pretending that we just like to make out with women, not fuck them.  I couldn’t take it anymore…I was about to blow my cover!  

Now, as a gay woman (totally not bi despite my early confusion) I am incredibly in touch with my sexuality.  After years of denial, I know exactly what I want and I have difficulty with patience and not prematurely going after it.  I’ve realized that I have the hormones of a 16 year old boy, that so happens to be trapped in a 34 year old woman’s body.  

As I’m out on the dating scene these days, it has mos def been a struggle for me suppressing my inner whore – but, I really am doing much better.  So that fabulous woman that I recently started dating…yeah, I haven’t slept with her yet – yay me!

No Double Jeopardy

Posted in Ex-Husband, Family Court, Single Parent on October 25, 2009 by Just A Girl

courtI was just in Family Support Court (money court) per my ex’s request to not pay child support (well, be obligated to pay less support, since he doesn’t pay anyway) earlier this month.  So we rapped that up on October 1st, 7 court appearances this year later (not counting my Family Court appearances).  I agreed to have him pay less, since according to the court – I can’t “prove” his self-employed income.  My proof of his fancy cars, sailboat, homes, extravagant lifestyle, his SEC filing of his company going public…all not enough “proof.”  All this is going on while we are currently in Family Court (separate court) adjusting custody. 

So I come home yesterday to a new court filing from him with Family Support Court…he wants the child support order reviewed AGAIN!!!  There is no double jeopardy in this court.  You can re-file for the same thing, over and over and over and over and over again – if you are someone who gets your rocks off on spending their days in court, which my ex so clearly does.  His current order is to pay ½ of our son’s health insurance, ½ of his pre-school fee, and $140/month in child support.  Yes, you heard me right…$140/month.  It is 2009, and this successful CEO is ordered to only pay $140/month – and he won’t even pay this amount!  I don’t have the money to have an investigation expose what he’s doing…so he wins.  

In addition to him not paying for any insurance, pre-school, or child support (keep in mind, I am also unemployed right now and he knows this) he is also currently requesting that I be responsible for covering all of the costs for our son to visit him in Northern California.  That would be me paying for 16 flights/year (the cost for me flying our son up and back 4 times/year, as he’s too young to fly alone.)  I go to Family Court on Monday, and this decision will be made.  I don’t understand how any judge in their right mind would make me pay for any of this, but I am never ceased to be amazed by the system. 

So back to Family Court I go on Monday, and off I go to prepare yet again for another upcoming Family Support Court appearance.  WTF!!!

We got the funk!

Posted in Ex-Husband, Family Court, Job on October 5, 2009 by Just A Girl

Whoa…I’m in a funk.  I knew unemployment would set it, and it has – in a big way.  

On a happy note – mediation went fabulous.  So really I couldn’t be happier about that.  (I shit you not that I started to black out twice – I saw the sparkly stars  in the middle of it – but I collected myself and pulled through it.)   When you’re negotiating with a narcissist it’s all about role playing.  If they think you are defeated, then you can get them to agree to just about anything.  After the last 4 ½ years…at least I’ve learned this.  

Back to unemployment…it hasn’t even been a week, but wowsa I’m ready to get back to work.  After I had my son, I worked from home for the first year.  I learned at that time, I am someone that has to actually “go” to work.  I mean…shower, get fancied up, and get out of the house.  Once again, I find myself staying in my jammies until noon.  And, coincidently my flat iron crapped out on my first day of unemployment – the irony.  

I will pull myself out of this funk – I always do.  So here’s to appreciating the time off…and, finding my dream job ASAP.  (Ok, I’ll accept “a job” at this point…who are we kidding.)