Let’s talk about sex…

Recently I’ve been thinking a lot about sex.  Ok…I always think a lot about sex, but I’ve been thinking about it philosophically lately. 

My first real exposure to the ramifications of sex was quite the shocker:  taking my 16-year old friend to get an abortion.  The whole experience was hugely traumatic.  My virgin brain went into panic mode, which set the stage for my lifetime commitment to not have an unplanned pregnancy.  (Little did I know that years later it would take me over a year to get pregnant when I was actively trying to.) 

Apparently the whole abortion thing didn’t scare me off sex too much, as it was just a few months later that I took the big plunge (with a condom) – hanging out the passenger side of a Ford Escort on an abandoned dirt road…classy, I know.  I hate to even acknowledge the fact that I had sex with Jack’s dad, but, yes…he was the owner of that Ford Escort.     

Fast forward through the next two years of high school:  Jack’s dad would cheat on me, I would forgive him, he would cheat on me again, yada, yada, yada…  I finally dumped the bastard when I went away to college.  

In college I never really had a boyfriend.  I messed around here and there, but never anything beyond casual sex.  In college is when I started to have conscious thoughts about being with a woman.  These thoughts went totally unmentioned to anyone, and were quickly dismissed in my head as crazy thoughts.  

Starting in January of 1999, I began to write a book…or rather a journal of sorts to commemorate the closing of the millennium.  The purpose of writing this wasn’t the end result, but rather the process; so once I completed the book at the end of the year, I read it once, and then shredded it.  The primary theme in the book was my attraction to women and how I was trying to deal with it, ignore it, make it go away, etc.  At this point I had never slept with a woman (I was totally just a bar-sexual – kissing straight girls while drunk).  I was sticking to the idea that I must be bisexual…because I surely wasn’t gay – despite the fact that my mind was consumed of thoughts of fucking a woman.  Oh lordy…denial is a powerful thing. 

So what did I do about a month later…reunite with my bastard ex-boyfriend from high school – 7 years after the last time I slept with him.  I know…right?!?!  WTF was I thinking?  Ok, I’m not sure how to word this to really convey how my sexual experiences with my ex-husband were.  Let me try here – think of the most selfish lover you’ve ever had, then multiple that by 10…that was him.  So then what did I decide to do?  Marry the guy, because that makes sense!  

I struggled with my sexuality throughout the whole term of my relationship with him.  He encouraged me to “mess-around” with our women friends, and I obliged him…duh.  But, I remember one instance that I was with one of our old high school friends.  We had had a lot to drink, and she started coming on to me, with my ex-husband and her husband’s encouragement.  Shortly there after, we were half naked and about to freakin’ explode!  The only problem with this scenario is that we were two “straight” girls, pretending that we just like to make out with women, not fuck them.  I couldn’t take it anymore…I was about to blow my cover!  

Now, as a gay woman (totally not bi despite my early confusion) I am incredibly in touch with my sexuality.  After years of denial, I know exactly what I want and I have difficulty with patience and not prematurely going after it.  I’ve realized that I have the hormones of a 16 year old boy, that so happens to be trapped in a 34 year old woman’s body.  

As I’m out on the dating scene these days, it has mos def been a struggle for me suppressing my inner whore – but, I really am doing much better.  So that fabulous woman that I recently started dating…yeah, I haven’t slept with her yet – yay me!

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