Archive for October, 2009

Let’s talk about sex…

Posted in Coming Out, Ex-Husband, Lesbian Dating, Sex on October 29, 2009 by Just A Girl

Recently I’ve been thinking a lot about sex.  Ok…I always think a lot about sex, but I’ve been thinking about it philosophically lately. 

My first real exposure to the ramifications of sex was quite the shocker:  taking my 16-year old friend to get an abortion.  The whole experience was hugely traumatic.  My virgin brain went into panic mode, which set the stage for my lifetime commitment to not have an unplanned pregnancy.  (Little did I know that years later it would take me over a year to get pregnant when I was actively trying to.) 

Apparently the whole abortion thing didn’t scare me off sex too much, as it was just a few months later that I took the big plunge (with a condom) – hanging out the passenger side of a Ford Escort on an abandoned dirt road…classy, I know.  I hate to even acknowledge the fact that I had sex with Jack’s dad, but, yes…he was the owner of that Ford Escort.     

Fast forward through the next two years of high school:  Jack’s dad would cheat on me, I would forgive him, he would cheat on me again, yada, yada, yada…  I finally dumped the bastard when I went away to college.  

In college I never really had a boyfriend.  I messed around here and there, but never anything beyond casual sex.  In college is when I started to have conscious thoughts about being with a woman.  These thoughts went totally unmentioned to anyone, and were quickly dismissed in my head as crazy thoughts.  

Starting in January of 1999, I began to write a book…or rather a journal of sorts to commemorate the closing of the millennium.  The purpose of writing this wasn’t the end result, but rather the process; so once I completed the book at the end of the year, I read it once, and then shredded it.  The primary theme in the book was my attraction to women and how I was trying to deal with it, ignore it, make it go away, etc.  At this point I had never slept with a woman (I was totally just a bar-sexual – kissing straight girls while drunk).  I was sticking to the idea that I must be bisexual…because I surely wasn’t gay – despite the fact that my mind was consumed of thoughts of fucking a woman.  Oh lordy…denial is a powerful thing. 

So what did I do about a month later…reunite with my bastard ex-boyfriend from high school – 7 years after the last time I slept with him.  I know…right?!?!  WTF was I thinking?  Ok, I’m not sure how to word this to really convey how my sexual experiences with my ex-husband were.  Let me try here – think of the most selfish lover you’ve ever had, then multiple that by 10…that was him.  So then what did I decide to do?  Marry the guy, because that makes sense!  

I struggled with my sexuality throughout the whole term of my relationship with him.  He encouraged me to “mess-around” with our women friends, and I obliged him…duh.  But, I remember one instance that I was with one of our old high school friends.  We had had a lot to drink, and she started coming on to me, with my ex-husband and her husband’s encouragement.  Shortly there after, we were half naked and about to freakin’ explode!  The only problem with this scenario is that we were two “straight” girls, pretending that we just like to make out with women, not fuck them.  I couldn’t take it anymore…I was about to blow my cover!  

Now, as a gay woman (totally not bi despite my early confusion) I am incredibly in touch with my sexuality.  After years of denial, I know exactly what I want and I have difficulty with patience and not prematurely going after it.  I’ve realized that I have the hormones of a 16 year old boy, that so happens to be trapped in a 34 year old woman’s body.  

As I’m out on the dating scene these days, it has mos def been a struggle for me suppressing my inner whore – but, I really am doing much better.  So that fabulous woman that I recently started dating…yeah, I haven’t slept with her yet – yay me!

No Double Jeopardy

Posted in Ex-Husband, Family Court, Single Parent on October 25, 2009 by Just A Girl

courtI was just in Family Support Court (money court) per my ex’s request to not pay child support (well, be obligated to pay less support, since he doesn’t pay anyway) earlier this month.  So we rapped that up on October 1st, 7 court appearances this year later (not counting my Family Court appearances).  I agreed to have him pay less, since according to the court – I can’t “prove” his self-employed income.  My proof of his fancy cars, sailboat, homes, extravagant lifestyle, his SEC filing of his company going public…all not enough “proof.”  All this is going on while we are currently in Family Court (separate court) adjusting custody. 

So I come home yesterday to a new court filing from him with Family Support Court…he wants the child support order reviewed AGAIN!!!  There is no double jeopardy in this court.  You can re-file for the same thing, over and over and over and over and over again – if you are someone who gets your rocks off on spending their days in court, which my ex so clearly does.  His current order is to pay ½ of our son’s health insurance, ½ of his pre-school fee, and $140/month in child support.  Yes, you heard me right…$140/month.  It is 2009, and this successful CEO is ordered to only pay $140/month – and he won’t even pay this amount!  I don’t have the money to have an investigation expose what he’s doing…so he wins.  

In addition to him not paying for any insurance, pre-school, or child support (keep in mind, I am also unemployed right now and he knows this) he is also currently requesting that I be responsible for covering all of the costs for our son to visit him in Northern California.  That would be me paying for 16 flights/year (the cost for me flying our son up and back 4 times/year, as he’s too young to fly alone.)  I go to Family Court on Monday, and this decision will be made.  I don’t understand how any judge in their right mind would make me pay for any of this, but I am never ceased to be amazed by the system. 

So back to Family Court I go on Monday, and off I go to prepare yet again for another upcoming Family Support Court appearance.  WTF!!!

Priceless

Posted in Job, Lesbian Dating on October 22, 2009 by Just A Girl

Interview tomorrow morning…good salary.

Interview tomorrow afternoon…great schedule.

First date with a fabulous woman tomorrow night…priceless!

Once you go normal, you’ll never go back

Posted in Ex-Girlfriends, Lesbian Dating, Stalker on October 12, 2009 by Just A Girl

“Once you go normal, you’ll never go back.”  Words of advice I received from a friend after an especially trying week with ex’s.      

Since the whole race car bed incident, I have totally ignored all communication from Kristy – I’m talking numerous spams of emails, phone calls, and text messages.  Obviously, she’s aware that I’m ignoring her, yet she continues.  So I’m resigned to admitting I have a stalker.  We live in the same neighborhood, and I suspect at some point I will run into her out and about, just as my friends have.  Out of fear of this ever happening – I have conceded the battle of the neighborhood to Kristy.  She gets the grocery store, the favorite restaurants, the manicurist, etc.  Please note…it was no biggie to switch my grocery store to Ralph’s – as I’m still hoping to see the hottie checker again. 

As for Callie…my friend had to talk off the metaphorical “ledge” with her this week.  It had been a couple of weeks since I ended things, but I was still getting a ton of texts from her.  I was so freakin’ happy because I thought that I had actually transitioned into the friend-zone with an ex.  Yay me!  Things were going along fabulous, until the sexts started coming again, and then the emotional texts.  She wanted to talk on the phone, at which time I desperately tried to explain why I didn’t think we would work.  I felt myself getting weak, and after a very LONG phone conversion, I began to consider giving this another shot.  So here I was again, talking to an ex, knowing damn well it won’t work, but me considering going back for more to “fix” things.  Yes, that’s me…I’m a “fixer.”  Thankfully, a friend was able to shake me back to reality. 

See I’ve never had “normal”, so here I am…continuing to patiently wait for it.  Yes, I know…I might be waiting for a long ass time.

Lesson Learned from Interview #1

Posted in Family Court, Job, Parenting on October 8, 2009 by Just A Girl

Aside from family court appearances, job interviews have got to be the worst thing EVER!  They are just so painful.  “I’m great at this…I’m great at that…yada, yada.”  I wish you could just say, “Call my references…I’m not an idiot!  Are there a ton of d-bags at your company, because if so – I’ll pass.”  Wouldn’t life be so much easier?  

I had my first post-lay off interview this morning.  I woke up extra early so that I could be assured that the coffee was fully pumping through my veins come interview time of 8:30am.  Even the pre-interview ritual of deciding what to wear is painful.  I have a couple of tattoos and I always question whether I should purposely hide them in an initial interview.  I decided the answer to this was yes today.  I was all dolled up (with a long sleeve to cover the wrist tat and long pants to cover the ankle and foot tats) and ready to go.  I asked Jack, “Do I look ok?”  His answer, “You should change your necklace.”  He was so totally right.  I just love my little mini-fashionista.  So I changed the necklace and was out the door.  

We had the interview at a coffee shop.  A few minutes into the interview I realized the combo of a long-sleeve sweater, hot coffee, and nerves was going to make for a very wet interview.  I’m a total nervous sweater.  I felt the sweat begin to bead on my forehead, at which point I decided the sweater had to come off.  It was either sweat profusely and risk a bead creeping down the side of my face, or expose the tat.  Tat’s it was.  

Any who…I have not interviewed (aside from 1st dates, which BTW are far less painful than job interviews in my opinion) in a very long time.  I stumbled a few times (and totally pitted out), which is to be expected with my first one out of the gate – but, all in all – not too bad. 

Lesson learned from interview #1 – don’t bother covering up who I really am, because looking like a sweaty pig is going to make for a far worse first impression.

 

 sweaty pig

We got the funk!

Posted in Ex-Husband, Family Court, Job on October 5, 2009 by Just A Girl

Whoa…I’m in a funk.  I knew unemployment would set it, and it has – in a big way.  

On a happy note – mediation went fabulous.  So really I couldn’t be happier about that.  (I shit you not that I started to black out twice – I saw the sparkly stars  in the middle of it – but I collected myself and pulled through it.)   When you’re negotiating with a narcissist it’s all about role playing.  If they think you are defeated, then you can get them to agree to just about anything.  After the last 4 ½ years…at least I’ve learned this.  

Back to unemployment…it hasn’t even been a week, but wowsa I’m ready to get back to work.  After I had my son, I worked from home for the first year.  I learned at that time, I am someone that has to actually “go” to work.  I mean…shower, get fancied up, and get out of the house.  Once again, I find myself staying in my jammies until noon.  And, coincidently my flat iron crapped out on my first day of unemployment – the irony.  

I will pull myself out of this funk – I always do.  So here’s to appreciating the time off…and, finding my dream job ASAP.  (Ok, I’ll accept “a job” at this point…who are we kidding.)