Archive for the Puberty Category

Pre-Freak Flag Waving

Posted in Coming Out, Puberty on July 22, 2009 by Just A Girl

Looking back, I was a cute teenager.  Maybe I wasn’t “hot”, but I was cute.  But, that teenage girl hadn’t a fucking clue that she was even on the map in that department.  Sure I went through the awkward braces and big feet phase, but a quick flip through an old yearbook tells me that I didn’t get hit with the puberty stick nearly as hard as some of my peers.  Puberty decided to rear it’s evil head on me in other ways.  Oh…the blessed period.

It was Christmas day, 1985 that Aunt Flo, The Rag, The Lady-Blues…whatever you want to call it, came into my life.  Ok, first you have to understand, that I was only 10 years old and in the 5th grade, and I hadn’t yet watched “the movie” that all 5th graders watch.  The boys in one room, the girls in the other – learning about our “private parts” and all of their glorious functions.

My grandma explained it to me like this, “We all get our periods, and we all hate it.  Just be glad you live in a time where you aren’t literally ‘on the rag’.  Back in my day, we had to bleed right into a rag, clean the rag, then use it again.”  The thought of thistampon just horrified me.  It then became quite obvious to me that we live in a man’s world.  So we had cars and airplanes, but didn’t have tampons and pads yet? My grandma has this knack for telling it like it is.

I couldn’t believe it.  I was in my grand parents bathroom, with my entire family in attendance, when I dropped my drawers to find my period.  Sure I had heard of periods, but I had no clue that this was something that was in my near future.   I guess I just assumed this was something that “big girls” get, and from my experiences on the school bus on the way to school, I knew I wasn’t yet a “big girl”.

I still remember her name, Tanya Solk.  I was the first pick up on the school bus route.  So, I had the pick of the seats.  And, Tanya knew this.  She told me, through her retainer lisp, in her “big girl” voice, “You will ssssave me a sssseat here, everyday.”  I knew she meant business.  She was blond and all the boys liked her, so I did what she told me.  Everyday, Tanya had her spot waiting for her.

So what was I to do with this Period situation?  I surely didn’t want my mom to know that I had now become a “big girl”.  I was too afraid to ask her to use a razor to shave the little sprouts of pit hair that had just revealed themselves several months prior, so I surely wasn’t going to tell her that I got my period.  So I stuffed my undies full of toilet paper, and put on my smiling face and went back out to join my family in their celebration of the festive holiday.

I would later realize this reoccurring theme in my life — stuff it all away so that nobody else can see that I’m really a “freak.”

Eventually, as all of us painfully timid girls do…we finally come clean and fess up to the arrival of our period.  Toilet paper as a substitute only lasts so long.

The Beginning: “Coming Out” via Email…gotta love technology

Posted in Coming Out, Ex-Husband, Parenting, Puberty, Single Parent, Technology on July 22, 2009 by Just A Girl

Dear (insert name here):

I’ve been going round and round about something in my head for quite some time now, not sure how to tell you about what’s been going on with me but here goes…

My psycho-analysis of myself tells me this:  I wanted so much to have the “happy little American dream family.” So, I think I thought that being with John was the only route that I could take to achieve this.  I married him because when I was with him, I didn’t have to make any decisions for myself and had no control.  I went numb and just went through the motions in order to achieve what I thought was my dream.  But, after I had Jack, something clicked in my brain.  I decided that it was time for me to stand up for myself and be my true self.  For the first time in my life, I feel truly free and comfortable with myself and who I am.

With this in mind, there is something that I have to tell you.  And, please don’t think that this has anything to do with my relationship with John…I’ve known this for as long as I can remember and long before John and I were together – I just chose to deny it. Let me take a deep breath now….(insert name here), I’m gay.

I didn’t want to “out” myself to you over email or the phone, but I wanted to get it all out and I knew that I would choke up on the phone.  And, I worried that you might hear this from someone else before I will see in person to tell you, since John knows this information.

I’m not asking you to understand this…I’ve had trouble understanding it all myself.  But, what I am asking from you is that you support and love me, in spite of this.  I am the same person that I’ve always been, just a little happier and more comfortable with myself now.  Believe me…I wanted nothing more than to not be gay, but after 32 years – I can’t deny it any longer.

I’m sure you have some anger, confusion, questions, and a whole lot of other things going on in your head.  Please call me when you are ready to talk to me.

I love you,

me  (aka…chicken shit)

Chicken Shit