Archive for August, 2009

Leaving the Stones unturned

Posted in Butch, Coming Out, Ex-Girlfriends, Femme, Lesbian Dating, Sex on August 31, 2009 by Just A Girl

“What’s your type?”

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been asked this by women since I’ve been an out lesbian.  As a “straight” woman, I don’t recall anyone ever asking me if I was into men that are more sporty, or slightly more feminine, or about there sexual tendencies?  I mean really…for a group that balks at being stereotyped, we sure do have our fair share of internal pigeonholing going on.

Begrudgingly, I did a categorical analysis of myself and what I think I’m attracted to.  Of course there are a bazillion different labels, but I decided to start with the top 6 that I came across:
1.  Butch: A woman who adopts what would be considered masculine characteristics.

2.  Stone Butch: A stone butch is a Butch who gets her pleasure from pleasing her partner. She does not like to be touched sexually.

3.  Soft Butch/Chapstick Lesbian: A soft butch is a lesbian whose appearance is generally androgynous. She may dress and act in a masculine manner, but be soft and more feminine in the inside. Also, a soft butch can be someone who falls somewhere between butch and femme, but closer to the butch side.

4.  Sport Dyke: A sport dyke is a lesbian, who more than anything, identifies with being an athlete. She may also dress in a manner that would give the impression she is an athlete, like baseball caps, sweatshirts and jeans.

5.  Blue Jean Femme: A Blue Jean Femme is a lesbian who identifies as femme, or feminine, but prefers jeans and more casual clothing to dresses and skirts.

6.  Lipstick Lesbian/Femme: A lipstick lesbian is a woman who loves other women, but also loves her clothes and makeup and shoes. She tends to dress on the femmy side.

I think my physicality falls somewhere between a Blue Jean Femme and a Lipstick Lesbian – as much as I gag at the thought of referring to myself as a L.L.  Personality wise, I’m thinking I am more of a Soft Butch.

Who I’m attracted to – that’s a whole other question mark.  Kristy was a Sport Dyke (with a butch personality); Laura was Blue Jean femme (with a Lipstick personality).  And, then of course there is my loves Anne, Penelope, and Jennifer (in PretendVille) who are all flaming Femmes physically.

The more I think about, I don’t know that I can commit to an attraction label.  I think that I might lean toward Blue Jean Femme-ish.  But, there are tons of Soft Butches and Lipsticks that have totally sent me over the edge.

Ok…I’ll commit to this:  I’m generally not attracted to super Butchy girls (and mos def not to a Stone Butch).


Ultimatum…I don’t think so!

Posted in Ex-Husband, Family Court on August 25, 2009 by Just A Girl

I rounded the last corner driving to my ex-husband’s house, and like every time…that last right turn of the steering wheel is as if I’m turning up the dial on my anxiety level.  My ex is predictable in his un-predictability, if nothing else and I know I have to prepare myself for this.

To my surprise his sprawling lot is littered with a crib, a work out gym, a washer and dryer, couches, desks, toys, clothes, lamps, a dune buggy, a scooter, bikes….and a storage POD.  Every space of his roundabout driveway is covered with his multitude of vehicles:   2 Cadillac’s, a vintage Corvette Stingray, a supped up Dodge Ram, a Toyota truck, among others.  My anxiety turned to confusion with the site of the overwhelming visual stimulation.  My confusion then turned to joy as I saw my sons almost 3- year old half-brother run out to greet me with flowers (picked off the front landscaping) and a smile.  Jack and Randall walk away hand in hand into the care of Jack’s step-mom, Amy off in the distance.

I’m not sure I have the energy at this hour to delve into the entire complexity of my relationship with Amy, so I’ll offer just a bit at this point.  Approximately, 6 years ago I hired my best friend’s roommate at the company that my husband and I owned.  I don’t have the exact date that her affair with my husband began, but the moment I realized it will forever be burned into my memory.  We were at a work celebratory function and she avoided eye contact with me at all costs.  It was like in the movies when the main character finally “gets it” and all of those past moments all suddenly make sense.  Their affair produced a child, they separated, we formed an alliance in our “victimhood”, they reunited, our alliance disbanded, they married, and had another child.  She is the primary caregiver for my son when my son is with his father, yet in the past 4 ½ years she has maintained her refusal to make eye contact with me.  There are moments that I pity her, because I was her – a victim too afraid to set myself free, but then I remember that she lied on the stand during one of my custody hearings and this pity quickly dissipates.  Whether it is shame, sorrow, or whatever it is…she is someone that I share more than I care to in common with.

Back to where I was.  So I ask John via text “Are you moving?”  This question I ask, not believing that the possibility of having him that out of our lives is so close to my finger-tips.  Ahhhhh…I get the answer I’ve dreamt of for years…he is moving, in less than a week no less.  Mid-happy dance around my living room I am interrupted by the siren of my text message go off again…the ultimatum.   If I don’t agree with his proposed custody plan (that he apparently came up with in his stint in “as if” land) then he will take me to court ex-parte this week.

Bring it on mother fucker!

Pimpin’ lessons from a 4-year old

Posted in Lesbian Dating, Parenting on August 20, 2009 by Just A Girl

I am one of those people that will put off grocery shopping until I’ve wiped my butt with the last square.  So FINALLY, Jack and I made a trek to the grocery store.  I was in my Sunday casuals (wife beater and work out shorts) – defiantly not my best look.

I randomly select a check out line and start unloading my cart, with Jack directing me from the seat.  (He’s way too big for the cart seat, but I’m willing to heave 50 lbs. to chest height just to minimize how many unwanted boxes of Captain Crunch and M&Ms wind up in the cart when my back is turned.)   I finally look up at the cashier and this woman takes me aback – she’s stunning.  I clam up, like I usually do and just offer small pleasantries.  Thankfully I had my little wingman with me.  Jack and the cashier start chatting each other up about everything from cheese to reading, while I lust after this woman that is winning over the heart of my son.

It is time for us to go, and the cashier says to Jack, “See you later little guy.”  And, what does Jack do?  He looks up from his cart seat and casually winks at her without saying a word.  She then says to him, but smiling at me, “I love the confidence!”  My typical response…I froze.  How I wished that I could have said, “If only his mom had the same confidence with you.”
Needless to say, I can guarantee that I will NOT be going back to Ralph’s in my “Sunday uniform.”

s4b decontamination…complete!

Posted in Ex-Husband, Parenting on August 16, 2009 by Just A Girl

Jack is back from his once-a-year week vacation with dad.  The short visits always take a few days to get my sweet little boy back.  A week, well…it takes a little longer.

Jack made a wish tonight…”I wish to grow up to be an angel so I can protect you forever.  I just love you so much.” 

S4b decontamination complete!  🙂

The Birds and The Bees (and the birds and the birds)

Posted in Ex-Husband, Parenting on August 13, 2009 by Just A Girl

I was 8 when I found out.  I was “that kid” that ran back to school and told everyone that wanted to listen.  “You stick a penis in a vagina to make a baby!”  I suddenly became the most popular girl at school with this wealth of information – information courtesy of my 12 and 13-year old cousins.

I assumed that at some point my parents would try to have “the talk” with me, but my pre-teens came and went, then my teens…and the talk never came.  I am determined to be more open and honest with my child than my parents were with me, but never did I suspect that I would be having “the talk” with my 4-½ year old son.the birds and bees

So here I am driving home from pre-school with my little man in the back and I hear, “Mom…daddy told me that you stick a penis in a vagina to make a baby.”  I look in the rear view mirror and he’s showing me how it’s done:  the pointed finger on one hand, into the circled fingers on the other hand.  So then he goes on, “See mom, two vagina’s can’t make a baby (as he’s banging together two circled hands).”  This is the sex education you receive from a homophobic narcissistic father.

I was not prepared for this conversation…not at all.  Thankfully I was behind the wheel for another 5 minutes, so that I could have that prep time.  So when we got home I busted out the art supplies.  If I was gonna have “the talk” it wasn’t going to be half-ass!

I had a diagram for male/female procreation, another one for female/female/doctor-provided-spermies-in-a-cup procreation, and lastly male/male/female-helper-with-a-uterus procreation….yeah, all those years of art classes really paid off!

For better, or worse…

Posted in Ex-Girlfriends, Parenting on August 12, 2009 by Just A Girl

It’s been a rough go of it with Kristy and my son.  When we lived together there was no sense of family.  It was always me and Jack, or me and Kristy.  Never was it “us.”  I understand that step-family scenarios can be hard.  Perhaps I expected too much, perhaps I let too much slide…I have to accept some fault for the situation that we became. 

When I moved out, Kristy told me that she wasn’t sure she wanted to maintain a relationship with Jack and proceeded to express minimal interest in seeing him.  On the occasion when she would ask to see him, it was always with some rude or intrusive overtone…but, I accepted that this is how it would be.  “Why can’t I see him on Tuesday?”  And, when I refused to give her a reason, she would not take my alternative offers of other days.  To me, it felt like if it wasn’t on her terms, then it wouldn’t be at all.  This happened time and time again. 

I came to realize that her interest in seeing him had little to do with actually seeing him.  After months and months of soul searching and months and months of my friends telling me to cut her out of my life…I finally did so.  

I didn’t want to be one of those women that withhold their child from someone to hurt them…I think I was so paranoid of being that person that I tolerated her rude, and down right mean relationship for way too long.  

In the end…my son isn’t interested in seeing her…if he was – it would be an entirely different story.  But, he’s over her.  She was so harsh and he saw it…he’s a bright boy that understands a lot more than he’s often given credit for.  When I ask him if he’d like to see Kristy or call her, his response is always the same, “tomorrow.”  When I ask him the next day, his response again, “tomorrow.”  

In the end, my son is faced with challenges above and beyond what the average kid is faced with, so her negativity and cruelty is not welcome in our lives.   I will continue to struggle with this decision that I have made, but I know that this is how it has to be.

Chicken or the egg?

Posted in Ex-Girlfriends, Lesbian Dating on August 11, 2009 by Just A Girl

Since I cut ties with Kristy, I’ve been called a destructive selfish person, bitch, have no soul…and on and on.  Why do I fall for these people!chicken and egg

Am I a masochist that seeks out relationships with cruel and dysfunctional people or are they drawn to me because I’m easy prey?  I am determined to go outside of the box with my next round of dating.

My “old type”:

  1. the “life of the party” type
  2. dominant

My “new type”:

  1. reserved
  2. gentle