Archive for the Ex-Girlfriends Category

Crossing Paths

Posted in Butch, Ex-Girlfriends, Lesbian Dating, Single Parent on January 10, 2010 by Just A Girl

I am back from my unofficial hiatus.  Let’s see…the last month or so was filled with baby daddy drama (of course), delightful woo’ing with the new lady friend, visits with family, etc.  It was a hectic holiday, but I think I’ve almost recovered.

There are many stories to share, but I’ll start with this one… 

Jack’s dad canceled on his holiday visit with him, so Jack was unexpectedly with me on New Year’s Eve.  I adjusted my plans and Andy was a total trooper and made do with what we had.  We had a fabulous New Year’s Eve!  So…the next morning, we went out for a mid-morning brunch.  (I live in a large Southern California city, so the likelihood of running into peeps out and about, is somewhat slim.  But, of course…those odds don’t apply to me).  As I pull over to park, with Andy in the passenger seat…who is walking by but Cali (the butch I recently dated briefly).  Please note that about two weeks prior to this encounter, Cali sent me several texts trying to get in my pants again.  So Cali waves (with her date on her arm), and I wave back.  I did NOT, in any way, want to introduce Cali and Andy.  So what did I do…I totally panicked.  I just sat there in the car, while Andy is asking “Who was that?” as she could obviously see my frazzle.  So Cali kind of stalled on the street, while I kept on sitting there.  Eventually, she moved on, and then I got out of the car.  WTF is wrong with me?  Who does that?  Well, unfortunately my reaction was read by Andy as if I was hiding something…which I totally wasn’t, but I could mos def see why she would see that.  After explaining it all..it was all good, but I acted like a total ru-tard! 

Anywho…that was one of my lovely holiday adventures…more recaps to come.

Once you go normal, you’ll never go back

Posted in Ex-Girlfriends, Lesbian Dating, Stalker on October 12, 2009 by Just A Girl

“Once you go normal, you’ll never go back.”  Words of advice I received from a friend after an especially trying week with ex’s.      

Since the whole race car bed incident, I have totally ignored all communication from Kristy – I’m talking numerous spams of emails, phone calls, and text messages.  Obviously, she’s aware that I’m ignoring her, yet she continues.  So I’m resigned to admitting I have a stalker.  We live in the same neighborhood, and I suspect at some point I will run into her out and about, just as my friends have.  Out of fear of this ever happening – I have conceded the battle of the neighborhood to Kristy.  She gets the grocery store, the favorite restaurants, the manicurist, etc.  Please note…it was no biggie to switch my grocery store to Ralph’s – as I’m still hoping to see the hottie checker again. 

As for Callie…my friend had to talk off the metaphorical “ledge” with her this week.  It had been a couple of weeks since I ended things, but I was still getting a ton of texts from her.  I was so freakin’ happy because I thought that I had actually transitioned into the friend-zone with an ex.  Yay me!  Things were going along fabulous, until the sexts started coming again, and then the emotional texts.  She wanted to talk on the phone, at which time I desperately tried to explain why I didn’t think we would work.  I felt myself getting weak, and after a very LONG phone conversion, I began to consider giving this another shot.  So here I was again, talking to an ex, knowing damn well it won’t work, but me considering going back for more to “fix” things.  Yes, that’s me…I’m a “fixer.”  Thankfully, a friend was able to shake me back to reality. 

See I’ve never had “normal”, so here I am…continuing to patiently wait for it.  Yes, I know…I might be waiting for a long ass time.

I walked into that one…

Posted in Ex-Girlfriends, Stalker on September 26, 2009 by Just A Girl

So one of my best friends calls me and asks a favor.  Jack used to have a “race car” toddler bed, that Kristy and I took up to her friend’s vacation home The Casa – to leave up there for him when we visited.  When we split, I asked Kristy to bring the bed back the next time she was up there for my friend – for her little boy.  So my friend asked me to ask Kristy again about getting the bed (which btw is a totally awesome bed).  I reluctantly asked Kristy again.  My bad…

Me:  Hi…I wanted to check with you about Jack’s old race car bed.  Tommy is ready for a big boy bed, and I had told Emily they could have it.   Is this something that you could bring back the next time you’re up at The Casa?

Kristy:  Sorry—I already got rid of it.  It has been over 6-months and you never mentioned that as a plan or I would have kept if for Emily/Tommy.

Me:  I’m pretty sure I mentioned this to you…that i intended to give it to them and if you could bring it back from The Casa when you were up there.  I don’t know…seems like you would check in with me before giving my things away?  No?

Kristy:  You are so right.  I am so sorry that I was insensitive by giving your belongings away.  Is there anything I can do to make it up to?

Me:  No worries…

Kristy:  LOL

Me:  LOL?

Kristy:  Guess I was laughing because you thought I was serious??

At my wits end, I sent her the following message – which is a Mental Health Hotline number…

Me:  1-800-969-6642

Kristy:  LOL—I have the race car bed at The Casa.  I was just kidding.  Let me know when you can pick it up?

I know, I know…I walked right into that one.  I actually thought for split second that she actually was capable of accountability and sensitivity.  I was wrong and damn me for letting her do it again!


Carrie Bradshaw Moment…

Posted in Butch, Ex-Girlfriends, Lesbian Dating, Sex on September 25, 2009 by Just A Girl

I didn’t want to count my chickens before they hatched – hence the reason I was holding back on sharing too much about the butch woman that I have been seeing for the past 3 weeks.  Well…my chickens cracked their eggs a little, but never hatched. 

Callie is cute, smart, funny, and holy *@#^ in the bedroom…but, there was a gut feeling that I had – a feeling that I am infamous for ignoring in previous relationships.  I couldn’t put my finger on it…just an intuition of sorts.  Please remember the state of my life right now:  ongoing custody battle with my ex-husband, I just lost my job, and what seems to be a never ending bitch-battle from my ex, Kristy.  The LAST thing I need in my life right now is additional drama. 

I was really beginning to feel the familiar feeling, when it was confirmed…

As it turns out, Callie – the sexy butch that I started to fall for – was incredibly kind, but far too insecure and dramatic for me.   carrie bradshaw 

So in my Carrie Bradshaw moment, I say to myself, “Am I at the age where all the single women out there are either taken or crazy?  Is there hope for me?”

…for worse

Posted in Ex-Girlfriends, Parenting, Single Parent, Stalker on September 3, 2009 by Just A Girl

Apparently I am a masochist.  After a few decent (not nice, but decent) text requests from Kristy to see Jack – I caved.

Kristy picked Jack up from pre-school and then I told her that I would come by that evening and pick him up from her house.  She asked me not to come to the door, but rather text her from outside to let her know that I was there…whatever, I agreed.  All in all the exchange had no drama to speak of.  Me, the eternal optimist, actually had high hopes that we could function as mature adults.

So Jack said he had a good time with Kristy and her friends, but he was kind of bent out of shape by a 5-year-old girl that was also over at her house.  I asked him if he’d like to go visit Kristy again and he said, “Only if that 5 year old isn’t there!”  He went on to tell me about how she was mean to him, etc. etc.

So the following weekend rolls around and I get an email from Kristy…this is how it went down:

K: Could I have Jack again?

Me: When were you thinking?

K: Do you have him this weekend?

Me: Yes

K: Maybe tomorrow night?

Me: Jack had a hard time with the 5 year old that was with you guys last week.  Not sure all the details with that, but he asked to not hang out with her again.  Is that something you can work with?

K: That’s a pretty interesting request coming from a 4-yr-old.  I wonder why he continued to play with her the whole night without complaint then???  Have a good weekend.

Jesus…I know she’s a bitch, but she can’t even fake it for a week!?!?!  I have to be strong and get her the fuck out of our lives…she’s such a drain.  Arggg!

After a bitch session with my best friend, she reminded me of the following guidelines that I NEED to remember when I’m feeling weak again:

1.  Any response from you is considered a success by Kristy.
2.  Nothing positive will come from any contact with Kristy.
3.  Any response is considered encouragement to her to continue peppering you with communications.
4.  She will not change behaviors just because you would like her to, no matter how rational you think it would be for her to do so.

Leaving the Stones unturned

Posted in Butch, Coming Out, Ex-Girlfriends, Femme, Lesbian Dating, Sex on August 31, 2009 by Just A Girl

“What’s your type?”

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been asked this by women since I’ve been an out lesbian.  As a “straight” woman, I don’t recall anyone ever asking me if I was into men that are more sporty, or slightly more feminine, or about there sexual tendencies?  I mean really…for a group that balks at being stereotyped, we sure do have our fair share of internal pigeonholing going on.

Begrudgingly, I did a categorical analysis of myself and what I think I’m attracted to.  Of course there are a bazillion different labels, but I decided to start with the top 6 that I came across:
butchfemme
1.  Butch: A woman who adopts what would be considered masculine characteristics.

2.  Stone Butch: A stone butch is a Butch who gets her pleasure from pleasing her partner. She does not like to be touched sexually.

3.  Soft Butch/Chapstick Lesbian: A soft butch is a lesbian whose appearance is generally androgynous. She may dress and act in a masculine manner, but be soft and more feminine in the inside. Also, a soft butch can be someone who falls somewhere between butch and femme, but closer to the butch side.

4.  Sport Dyke: A sport dyke is a lesbian, who more than anything, identifies with being an athlete. She may also dress in a manner that would give the impression she is an athlete, like baseball caps, sweatshirts and jeans.

5.  Blue Jean Femme: A Blue Jean Femme is a lesbian who identifies as femme, or feminine, but prefers jeans and more casual clothing to dresses and skirts.

6.  Lipstick Lesbian/Femme: A lipstick lesbian is a woman who loves other women, but also loves her clothes and makeup and shoes. She tends to dress on the femmy side.

I think my physicality falls somewhere between a Blue Jean Femme and a Lipstick Lesbian – as much as I gag at the thought of referring to myself as a L.L.  Personality wise, I’m thinking I am more of a Soft Butch.

Who I’m attracted to – that’s a whole other question mark.  Kristy was a Sport Dyke (with a butch personality); Laura was Blue Jean femme (with a Lipstick personality).  And, then of course there is my loves Anne, Penelope, and Jennifer (in PretendVille) who are all flaming Femmes physically.

The more I think about, I don’t know that I can commit to an attraction label.  I think that I might lean toward Blue Jean Femme-ish.  But, there are tons of Soft Butches and Lipsticks that have totally sent me over the edge.

Ok…I’ll commit to this:  I’m generally not attracted to super Butchy girls (and mos def not to a Stone Butch).

For better, or worse…

Posted in Ex-Girlfriends, Parenting on August 12, 2009 by Just A Girl

It’s been a rough go of it with Kristy and my son.  When we lived together there was no sense of family.  It was always me and Jack, or me and Kristy.  Never was it “us.”  I understand that step-family scenarios can be hard.  Perhaps I expected too much, perhaps I let too much slide…I have to accept some fault for the situation that we became. 

When I moved out, Kristy told me that she wasn’t sure she wanted to maintain a relationship with Jack and proceeded to express minimal interest in seeing him.  On the occasion when she would ask to see him, it was always with some rude or intrusive overtone…but, I accepted that this is how it would be.  “Why can’t I see him on Tuesday?”  And, when I refused to give her a reason, she would not take my alternative offers of other days.  To me, it felt like if it wasn’t on her terms, then it wouldn’t be at all.  This happened time and time again. 

I came to realize that her interest in seeing him had little to do with actually seeing him.  After months and months of soul searching and months and months of my friends telling me to cut her out of my life…I finally did so.  

I didn’t want to be one of those women that withhold their child from someone to hurt them…I think I was so paranoid of being that person that I tolerated her rude, and down right mean relationship for way too long.  

In the end…my son isn’t interested in seeing her…if he was – it would be an entirely different story.  But, he’s over her.  She was so harsh and he saw it…he’s a bright boy that understands a lot more than he’s often given credit for.  When I ask him if he’d like to see Kristy or call her, his response is always the same, “tomorrow.”  When I ask him the next day, his response again, “tomorrow.”  

In the end, my son is faced with challenges above and beyond what the average kid is faced with, so her negativity and cruelty is not welcome in our lives.   I will continue to struggle with this decision that I have made, but I know that this is how it has to be.